The Impossible Cat - A Parody

As longtime readers know, my wife and I have been cat owners for over twenty years now. Sadly, cats have a much more limited lifespan than humans, and thus we've had to say goodbye to two of these cats (Turtle and Kona), but have recently welcomed Earl Grey (pictured) into our home. The following parody (to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from Man of LaMancha) was written before Earl Grey came to us, and I have to say it doesn't seem to apply to him especially well. Even so, I hope you enjoy it! Maybe someday I'll get around to a proper recording....

The Perseverance of Weird Al Yankovic

Meeting Weird Al at BotCon 2009

The odds are you've probably already heard that Weird Al Yankovic's most recent album, Mandatory Fun, has officially been named the top album on the Billboard chart this week. Although Weird Al has been doing albums for more than three decades, this has never happened before, so it's kind of a big deal. Suffice it to say, being an album of parodies and funny novelty songs, this is not the kind of thing that normally tops the charts (in fact, according to Buzzfeed, the last comedy album to debut at #1 was in 1960, by the still-living legend Bob Newhart - UPDATE 7/26/14 - I've since verified that the last comedy album to reach #1 at all was in 1963, so it's still been more than 50 years however you slice it!).

There's been a fair bit written online about how Yankovic's public relations stunt of having a new video from the album posted each day for the past week (for a total of eight videos, a high number for any album) contributed to the album's success. While I'm confident about the truth of that statement, I've found myself thinking about other reasons for Weird Al's continued popularity over so many years. Specifically, I've been thinking about how things that appear to be set-backs at first glance sometimes actually prove to have been good for us after all.

For example, it's pretty well-known that some of Weird Al's first successful parodies built off of popular Michael Jackson songs ("Eat It" and "Fat," from "Beat It" and "Bad," respectively), and Weird Al himself credits Jackson's willingness to allow such parodies of his songs with having "jump-started (his) career." What's less known is that Jackson later asked Yankovic not to do a parody of his song "Black or White," apparently feeling that the message of that particular song was too important to potentially be diluted by a potential parody. This happened right around the time that Weird Al's career was at a low-point following the commercial failure of his movie, UHF (which is now considered a cult-favorite, by the way). Because Weird Al couldn't release the "Black or White" parody,^* he was forced to do something else. The "something else" eventually was "Smells Like Nirvana," which became Weird Al's biggest hit since "Eat It."

That was 20 years ago, and Weird Al has naturally suffered other apparent set-backs over that time period. It's inevitable when doing something for long enough that things don't always go your way. It even happened on the road to Mandatory Fun, when Yankovic's label, RCA, told him that they wouldn't pay to have any videos made to promote the album. I don't know what RCA's reasons were. Perhaps it's because they didn't have faith in the material, or maybe they just thought that Yankovic should do it all himself, or possibly they were reluctant to lend such support to an artist working on what was to be the last album of a 32-year contract, and thus couldn't depend on the album's success to yield future dividends. Whatever the reason, this prompted Weird Al to look for partners, and this is at least part of why each video this past week premiered on a different online channel, ensuring that a wide swath of the internet audience would see what was going on. Fans who may not care for Nerdist might well be on Funny or Die, or YouTube. One way or another, the odds were that if you were on the internet this past week, you were going to have the opportunity to see a Weird Al video.

I'm always cautious about suggesting that such set-backs might be good things to anyone still currently suffering from them. These kinds of things are most safely discussed with the advantage of hindsight, when we can clearly see just how well things actually worked out in the end. Even so, I do think these stories provide a testimony to the importance of perseverance. I'm extremely happy to see Mandatory Fun at the top of the charts. As unpredictable and unexpected as such a victory is, it is one that I feel Weird Al surely deserves.

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^*The parody to "Black and White," entitled "Snack All Night," was written, and Weird Al occasionally performs it. It just wasn't released commercially.

Loot Crate Highlight of the Month - May 2013

So, this was the third and final month of my initial Loot Crate membership, and thus the last month I'll be featuring a highlight from the box set. In the interest of protecting the surprise for those who care about such things, the reveal will come in the next paragraph (after the "Read More" link on the main page and RSS feed)...

The theme this month was "Equip," and what better way to equip your galaxy-trotting hitchhiker than with this towel? The timing coincides nicely with "Towel Day," which is just three days away at the time of this writing.

Besides being an obvious reference to Douglas Adams' Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy books, the message on the Loot Crate towel nicely references another meme that's been going around this past few years. Perhaps you've seen the various messages all over the internet working off of this "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster. What you might not know is that this meme originates back to the earliest days of World War II. "Keep Calm and Carry On" was one of three posters commissioned in 1939 by a publicity and propaganda wing of the government in the United Kingdom, designed to strengthen morale in the face of the attacks to come. Oddly enough, this particular poster was never used publicly (the other two apparently were), and most of the posters that were produced were lost after the war ended. Fast-forward to the year 2000, when one of the "Keep Calm and Carry On" posters surfaced in an English book store, where prints of it were made and became extremely popular.

As I indicated earlier, parodies and pastiches of "Keep Calm and Carry On" have become common in the past few years. I've even done this one myself, which I posted on Facebook some time back. You can make your own at this link. If you'd like to see what other Loot Crate goodies came out this month, do a search for "Loot Crate Equip" on YouTube and you'll get a bunch of options. Then, come back and click this link to subscribe to Loot Crate for yourself!

It's Not Easy Being Brawl

In a recent thread about the upcoming "Fall of Cybertron" versions of the Combaticons, it was observed that Brawl somehow manages to remain green through various recolors that leave the rest of the team with strikingly different appearances. Someone suggested a parody of a certain song sung by a famous Muppet frog. I took that as a challenge! ;)

(inspired by 'Bein Green as sung by Kermit the Frog, written by Joe Raposo)

It's not that easy being green
Having to spend each day the color of the earth
When I think it could be nicer being red, and yellow, and bright
Or something much more violent like that

It's not easy being green
It seems you blend in with so many boring nature-loving things
And robots tend to pass you over
'Cause you're not standing out
Like laser battles on a comet
Or bombs from the sky

But green's the color of envy
And green can be dark and scary-like
And green can be big like a dragon
Or exploding from a cannon
While it kills Bumblebee

When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why
But why wonder, why wonder
I am green, and it'll do fine
It's militant, and I think it's what I want to be

Remembering Wrath Side Story

Back when I was in high school, I was a member of a local Star Trek fan club that met once a month. Besides watching episodes of the show (both original and Next Generation, but none of the other spin-offs existed yet at that point), we also enjoyed the occasional piece created by fans. One such film we watched, which was apparently presented live at a convention somewhere, was called Wrath Side Story.

As the name might suggest, Wrath Side Story was a mash-up of the second Trek movie, The Wrath of Khan, with the musical West Side Story. To this day it remains one of the funniest Trek parodies I can remember, although I grant that one would probably need to know the stories of both Khan and West Side to appreciate it all. Here are some highlights:

Near the beginning of the story, Khan meets Chekov.  Although the original episode of Star Trek in which Khan featured ("Space Seed") was during the first season (before Chekov joined the cast), it is clear that Khan recognizes Chekov. This has been the subject of much speculation among fans. Wrath Side Story captures this oddity with a single line, spoken by Chekov to his commanding officer: "But, sir! I met this maniac fifteen years ago, and I wasn't even there!"

Of course, the real gems of the parody were the musical numbers. For example, shortly after stealing Chekov's ship, the Reliant, Khan breaks out to the tune of "Maria":

Reliant!  I just stole a ship named Reliant!...

Arguably, the most memorable part of The Wrath of Khan is the death of Spock. Wrath Side Story captures this scene, too, but after Spock successfully saves the day at the cost of his own life, its time to sing again, this time to the tune of "America":

I like to be on the Enterprise.
All right by me on the Enterprise.
Even when some of the people die.
I like to be on the Enterprise.

Obviously, it was all pretty silly, which is exactly what made it work. Sadly, even with the ubiquity of information on the Internet, I've never found Wrath Side Story anywhere online. Indeed, I've only quite recently found any other sites that acknowledged that the parody even existed. If anyone has a copy, and feels that it's safe to post, I'd certainly appreciate the chance to see it again.

Seven Dwarfs as Mortal Flesh

My wife and I put this parody together a number of years ago, about the same time we came up with this one. Riffing on hymns may seem a bit sacrilegious  but it's all in good fun. I definitely imagine the Disney version of the dwarfs when I think of this song:

(To the tune of "Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence")

Let all seven dwarfs keep working
In the diamond mines all day
Let them sing about their labors
As they earn their daily pay
Then they'll march on home, "Heigh-Ho! Heigh-Ho!"
To their house of stone and hay

(My wife, a professionally-trained musician, notes that one could segue straight into "Heigh-Ho" from here if you like.  It works really well!)

I'm Not Really Irish

While chatting with my sister online, we got to talking about yesterday's St. Patrick's Day holiday.  The love of all things Irish commonly associated with that day got us to thinking about one of our favorite movies from our childhood, The Happiest Millionaire.  As I said when I mentioned that movie a few years back, we really like the stuff featuring Tommy Steele, and can actually skip most of the actual plot that pads the middle of the movie.  But an early song featuring Steele from the movie, "I'll Always Be Irish," seemed especially appropriate.  You can find lyrics to the actual song here, but we decided to go in a different direction.  The parody that follows was written as a collaboration between the two of us.

I'm Not Really Irish
by Mark Baker-Wright and Ruth Wright

One night last week I pined away, at places far and near
All the sights I've never seen and never will, I fear.
I know I'll never see the place, and yet I dream to see,
that land of magic wonderment, that calls so much to me.

I'll always be Irish! Well, actually, I lie!
I'm NOT really Irish, you can poke me in the eye!
Although I can sing Danny Boy, and even sing it well,
If I try an Irish accent it will make you want to yell!

I’m not really Irish, I guess that’s plain to see,
I’m not really Irish, though I’d give the world to be!
I love to eat potatoes, and I’m not real fond of snakes,
But the closest I can get to green is baking minty cakes!

I’m not really Irish, I’ve known this for awhile,
I’m not really Irish, ‘though I love the Emerald Isle
I'd love to kiss the Blarney stone, and have the gift of gab,
but I fear that my inanity would make it rather drab

I wish I were Irish, and had that lovely hair.
I wish I were Irish with the passion that lives there!
But since I'm an American, I've gotten used to that,
and I guess I'll have to settle for this t-shirt and a hat.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Daleks

Not mine, but too cool not to share!

You Are Superman!

I should note that, although this parody bears more than a passing resemblance to "Ode to a Superhero" by Weird Al Yankovic, I actually wrote this nearly a decade before that song was released (and I think that the 1995 edition of Logos, Montreat-Anderson College's literary magazine, would prove it, but even though I was the editor of that issue, I no longer have a copy of my own for that particular year, so I can't check to see whether this was one of my pieces that we printed, or if I just think we did....  Ah, well.)

“You Are Superman”
to Billy Joel’s “Piano Man”
by Mark Baker-Wright

Well, it’s nine o’clock in Metropolis
The newspaper crowd shuffles in
There’s a bald man standing next to me
With his eyes filled with hatred and sin.
He says “I think that all of you know of me!”
as he pushes a gun to my face.
“For Lex Luthor’s the one who’s destiny
is to put Superman in his place!”

Oh, la lala lele lah
Lala lele lah lalah

Right us a wrong, you are Superman.
Right us a wrong tonight.
For we’re all in the mood for a victory
And justice will make us feel right.

I see a man wearing glasses run away from me
As the crowd panics and turns to stone.
And as Luthor prepares a calamity,
I then realize that we’re not alone.
For a hero has entered the vicinity,
and so Luthor prepares for a fight.
And as Superman begins to rescue me,
Luthor pulls out some green kryptonite.

Oh, la lala lele lah
Lala lele lah lalah

Right us a wrong, you are Superman.
Right us a wrong tonight.
For we’re all in the mood for a victory
And justice will make us feel right.

But before the rock can hurt Superman,
I turn Luthor’s intentions to ash.
For I kick Luthor’s hand with the kryptonite,
And then throw it into the trash.
So Superman’s powers come back to him.
And the criminal knows that he's failed.
For Superman then takes a hold of him,
And flies Luthor screaming to jail.

It’s a beautiful day in Metropolis.
A newspaper boy passes by.
I call him to purchase a copy.
For the headline, it catches my eye.
It says “Town throws a party for Superman,”
And the boy takes my money in awe
For he sees that it's me in the picture there
Helping Superman uphold the law.

Right us a wrong, you are Superman.
Right us a wrong tonight.
For we’re all in the mood for a victory
And justice will make us feel right.
Right us a wrong, you are Superman.
Right us a wrong tonight.
For we’re all in the mood for a victory
And justice will make us feel right.

Are You Smarter Than a Devastator?

I started work on this over two years ago, not too long after completing the Family Feud photocomic.  Unfortunately, I was never able to get very far in the picture-taking (and editing!) process.  Rather than let it continue to gather dust, and while the game show Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? is still on the airwaves enough that people will get the joke, I'll post the script with such images as I've prepared.  Enjoy!

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Alpha Trion: Welcome to Are You Smarter Than a Devastator? I'm your host, Alpha Trion! Let's meet our class!

(Introduce each Devastator in turn: Generation One, Classics, Micromaster, Action Master, and Universe Devastators are all shown.)

(Frame shows Wheelie running into the studio)
Alpha Trion:  And here's our first contestant. Wheelie!

Wheelie: Wheelie say, it's time to play!

(Categories and Grade Levels are displayed)  Alpha Trion:  All right, you're going to work your way up to our top prize of 1 million Energon cubes by answering questions from these categories.

Alpha Trion:  And, of course, you get to chose one of our Devastators to help you out! Who will it be?

Wheelie: Wheelie here to have some fun. So it's got to be G1!

Alpha Trion: All right, now choose your first category.

Wheelie: Because this is introduction, let's chose Level 1 Destruction

Alpha Trion: OK. Here's the question: What is the best way to destroy an Autobot stronghold?

(next frame) Alpha Trion: G1 Devastator has his answer locked in. What's your answer, Wheelie?

Wheelie: Though it seems unwise to state, sneaking through the access gate!

Alpha Trion: I'm sorry, but that answer is incorrect. The correct answer is “Smash it!” But G1 Devastator can still save you, if he wrote “Smash it.” Let's see Devastator's answer!

(Badly scrawled word “SMASH!” appears on screen)

Alpha Trion: Congratulations! G1 Devastator has saved you, and you now have 1,000 Energon cubes, what will you do ne--? (Alpha Trion is interrupted by Devastator smashing Wheelie, screaming “Smash! Smash!” Wheelie is flattened)

(Alpha Trion looks down at Wheelie's clearly unconscious form.) Oh, dear! I guess we'll have to bring out a substitute contestant to pick up where Wheelie left off. Let's introduce... Waspinator!

(Waspinator takes place at podium)

Alpha Trion: Waspinator, which Devastator would you like to have help you on this question?

Waspinator: Wazzzzzpinator choozzze Micromazzzter Devazzzzstator!

Alpha Trion: OK, and what category would you like to choose?

Waspinator: Wazzzzpinator choozzzzzzes Level 2 Pulverizzzation!

Alpha Trion: Here's the question. How should you make sure that an enemy target is completely destroyed?

(next frame) Alpha Trion: Devastator has locked in his answer. What do you think?

Waspinator: Wazzzpinator not like this! Wazzzpinator want to copy Greenbot's answer!

Alpha Trion: OK. You're using one of your cheats, and you'll be locked into whatever answer Devastator gives. Let's see it.

(Another badly written “SMASH!” appears on the screen!)

Alpha Trion: That's correct! “Smash it” is once again the answer! You now have 2000 Ener-- (interrupted by Devastator yelling “Smash! Smash!” and swinging at Waspinator, knocking off his head.)

(picture of Waspinator's head lying on floor) Wazzzpinator hatez this game....

(Alpha Trion looks down again) Oh, no! Not again! Well, we'll just have to bring in another substitute contestant. Let have a round of applause for Grimlock! (Grimlock appears at podium in T-Rex mode)

Alpha Trion: Welcome to the game Grimlock. Which Devastator would you like to play with?

Grimlock: Me, Grimlock, choose Universe Devastator!

Alpha Trion: And what category will you be playing with?

Grimlock: Me, Grimlock, like Level 4 Tactics

Alpha Trion: OK. Here's the question: You are badly outnumbered, but your enemies are no match for your own personal strength. How do you survive this battle?

Grimlock: Me, Grimlock, want to peek at Devastator's answer!

Alpha Trion: OK. That's your last cheat. Let's see what Devastator wrote down.

(Answer appears in calligraphy script: “I would chose a melee defense, taking hold of one of my enemies' fallen bodies, and swinging it around my own body in rapid fashion, thereby eliminating many other enemies all at once as his form connects with theirs.”)

Grimlock: Me, Grimlock, think something wrong with Devastator. Me choose own answer. Me, Grimlock say, 'smash through them.'

Alpha Trion: That's correct! You now have 5,000 Energon Cubes!

Grimlock: Me, Grimlock, not as dumb as me look!

Alpha Trion: That's all the time we have for today! We'll see you next time! (last frame shows Universe Devastator saying “Well, of course, you can smash through them if you want to be crude about it, but my way would be much more efficient at dispatching a greater number of opponents with a minimum of--” Grimlock interrupts--“Me, Grimlock, think you talk too much!”)

Silverstreak: A Christmas Parody

It's Christmas parody time again! This year's entry involves a matter that Transfans are increasingly concerned about: the loss of beloved names due to trademark reasons.

(to the tune of "Silver Bells")

Silverstreak! Silverstreak!
He’s lost his name, what a pity!
Marketing... Silly thing
Bluestreak could no longer stay....

Market trademarks, silly trademarks
Losing them all the while
So the name wasn’t open to Hasbro
Try a new one, something someone
might find in the toy aisle
and remember the name we held dear

Silverstreak! Silverstreak!
He’s lost his name, what a pity!
Marketing... silly thing...
His former name’s gone away!

Previous Christmas parodies may be found below:

• A Christmas Thought
• Have Yourself a Megatron-y Christmas
• Primus the Planet

Traditionally, the Christmas parody post has been my last for the year, as I have taken a vacation from blogging (often accompanied by a real vacation) between Christmas and New Year's. I intend to keep posting this year, at least as much as the usual Monday/Wednesday/Friday schedule, if not more (I already have something planned for tomorrow, in fact!). So please keep checking in!

Goofy Scrabble Parody

In honor of my sister's birthday (yesterday), here is a parody I wrote on-the-fly in the middle of one of the Scrabble games she and I regularly play on Facebook.

To the tune of Limbo Rock (more popularly thought of in my family as the tune to "The Bibbibabka Ditty" from an episode of Perfect Strangers)

When... you... play a Scrabble word
Just don't make it too absurd
If you play a word that's long
You can sing a happy song
When you lay that bingo down
All your frowns turn upside down!
So you win the Scrabble game
And go in the hall of fame!

Primus the Planet

It's time for the annual Christmas parody, as I prepare to take an extended break to celebrate the holidays. This year, I have a not-especially Christmasy tale set to a not-truly-Christmasy song, that nevertheless still always seems to be sung only for Christmas. Previous holiday parodies may be found here and here. Merry Christmas to all, and I'll be back after the New Year!

(to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman")

Primus the Planet
Is an old eternal soul
He's the god of light, and he's sleeping tight
So the universe stays whole

Primus the Planet
Fought with Unicron all day
Who could not be slain in the astral plane
So he tried another way

There must have been some problem
With those asteroids he found
For when he moved his spirit in
He and Unicron were bound

Oh! Primus the Planet
Caused the Transformers to be
And his children say he will find a way
To bring them to unity

REPOST: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Christianity

I originally posted this over a year and a half ago, but I've never been especially happy with the "last part first" set-up I get from that link, and haven't figured out how to set it up so that the story reads from beginning to end as it should. I finally decided that I just need to repost the whole thing in it's proper order as a single (if long) post. Here goes:

(with apologies to Douglas Adams)

---

NARRATOR (always voice only): This is the story of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Christianity, a wholly remarkable book. Probably the most remarkable book ever to come out of the great publishing corporations of Augustine/Calvin. It is more popular than The Complete Exegetical Omnibus, better selling than Fifty-Three More Ways to Convert a Non-Believer, and more controversial than Winston Stapleton’s trilogy of theological-political blockbusters, Where Bush Went Wrong, Some More of Bush’s Greatest Mistakes, and Who Is This Bush Person Anyway?

In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Western Coast of the United States, the Hitchhiker’s Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Biblaica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal (though, ironically, nothing about the Apocrypha itself), it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

First, it is slightly cheaper; and second, it has the words SINNERS WELCOME inscribed in large friendly letters on the cover.

To tell the story of the book, it's best to tell the story of some of the minds behind it. Artie Kent, a student from Evergreen Theological Seminary, is one of them. Though, as our story opens, he no more knows his destiny than a Southern Baptist knows the history of the XXX Multiplex in West LA.

(scene: ARTIE KENT walks in from stage right. A group of students comes in from the opposite side. At least one is holding a sign saying “The End of the World is Nigh!” Others should have signs protesting a construction project. Artie sees the group and approaches.)

ARTIE KENT: Excuse me, what’s going on here?

PROTESTER ONE: We’re protesting the construction of the new 410 bypass. Since they couldn’t build it through the wealthy town south of here, they’ve decided to take it straight through the seminary.

ARTIE KENT: But why?

PROTESTER TWO: Well, it’s a bypass. Apparently you’ve got to build bypasses.

ARTIE KENT: Well, I’m afraid I can’t stay and help, I’m late for class. Good luck! (Artie runs out stage left. Protesters shout and wave their signs while walking off stage right)

NARRATOR: The Webster Illustrated Contemporary Dictionary defines “luck” as “that which happens by chance; fortune or lot.” It says that to “try one’s luck” is to “try to do something without certainty of success.” The Hitchhiker’s Guide also mentions luck. It notes that many Christians define luck as “the notion that the world is random and left to chance at best, and an evil force at worst. Either way being antithetical to the notion of God’s all-controlling providence and blessing.” This requires them to come up with new terms for otherwise everyday phrases. “Good luck” becomes “God bless,” a “Pot luck” dinner becomes a “pot bless” dinner, and so on. The Hitchhiker’s Guide further notes that other Christians see this an unnecessary infringement upon contemporary language, suggesting that “everybody knows we don’t really mean that the world is left to chance” and further arguing that the first group of Christians shouldn’t be such nosy busybodies. This, naturally, gets the first group of Christians upset at the second set, leading to many heated arguments and fights over how best to use language in a way that consistently describes God’s loving kindness, the end result of which is that nearly all Christians involved more fervently desire that God would simply take them away to heaven all the sooner, so they might leave this crazy, messed-up, chaotic world behind.

(Artie returns from stage left. He stumbles upon a pile of clothes and picket signs in the middle of the stage.)

ARTIE KENT: What in the world? Don’t tell me that LaHaye and Jenkins were right after all!

FORD: (Walks in from off stage. Dressed somewhat eccentrically.) They weren’t.

ARTIE KENT: Really? Then how do you explain the piles of clothes laying here? Clothes I know that my friends were wearing just a couple of hours ago! And who are you anyway?

FORD: Oh! Excuse me. I’m Ford Prophet. Well, I’d say LaHaye and Jenkins weren’t entirely right, at any rate. Yes, some Christians have indeed been raptured. But didn’t you think it odd that your class continued right through it all, and that your professor kept on lecturing as though nothing had happened?

ARTIE KENT: Now that you mention it, that does seem a bit odd….

FORD: Now work with me, here. According to the book, the people that got left behind got a second chance to know Jesus, right?

ARTIE KENT: But of course. Buck Williams’ conversion scene from the movie has been played in our evangelism seminars for years!

FORD: But how did you come to know about Christ?

ARTIE KENT: Oh, that’s easy. My second grade Sunday School teacher!

FORD: Exactly! Someone told you about him! Now, do you really think that giving people a second chance would do the least bit of good if all the Christians were already gone? Who would tell them about Jesus?

ARTIE KENT: Hmmm…. You have a point. But shouldn’t there be plenty of nominal Christians left behind? They would realize that they were wrong after seeing what happened.

FORD: Yes, yes, well, I think you credit humanity with a bit too much intelligence. Anyway, I figure that’s why some of us are still here. We’re here to set folks straight. And that’s why I’m here. I’m here to ask you help me write the most important book ever to be written.

ARTIE KENT: (a bit put off) The Bible’s already been written! It’s totally sufficient for our salvation….

FORD: yes,yes,yes. Well, the second-most important, then. Here (hands Artie a copy). Just read the first paragraph.

ARTIE KENT: (takes book a bit warily) Ooookay. Whatever you say. (Looks at book, while voice-over gives next passage.)

NARRATOR: God is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly hugely mind-bogglingly big God is. I mean, you may have trouble wrapping your mind around the concept of transubstantiation, but that's just peanuts to God.

ARTIE KENT: Interesting.

FORD: So, will you join me?

ARTIE KENT: Well, I don’t know…. (loud noise offstage. The noise of a bulldozer engine.)

FORD: Well, it looks like you’d better make up your mind now. With all the protestors raptured, there’s nothing stopping that bulldozer from tearing down the seminary! (noise gets louder. Sound of buildings being torn down. Lights flicker and debris thrown on from offstage left. Artie and Ford run off stage right.)

NARRATOR: Have our heroes really been “left behind”? Will they escape the destruction of the seminary? Will they be able to find meaningful employment? What does all this mean for the rest of the seminary population? Does anything have any meaning anyway? At least some of these questions might be answered in our next installment.

LIGHTS OUT: END PART ONE

---

PART TWO

NARRATOR: The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very happy and been widely regarded as a good move.

Many cultures believe that it was created by some sort of god, although the Christian concept of a single supreme being is by no means shared by all of them.

As multitudinous as the explanations for the Universe’s creation are the theories of how the Universe will end. Even among Christians, there is widespread disagreement on this. Many Christians, for example, believe in a concept known as “the Rapture,” whereby the faithful are taken away from Earth to join God in heaven before the final end comes to the poor saps left behind on the planet below. While some Christians scoff at this interpretation of the end, this is exactly what seems to have occurred to a group of student protestors with whom Artie Kent had a conversation only a few hours ago. Despite that fact that they are Christians themselves, Artie and his friend Ford Prophet have reasoned that God must have left some believers behind to tell the remaining non-Christian population that the end is coming soon, and so have started writing The Hitchhikers’ Guide to Christianity, with which they hope to reach the masses.

Having recently escaped the destruction of Evergreen Theological Seminary to make way for the new 410 bypass, Artie and Ford come upon the former seminary bookstore, which is beginning to make changes in light of recent events.

(Artie and Ford enter from stage right. They arrive to meet a worker standing behind a cash register on stage left.)

BOOKSTORE WORKER: Welcome to Evergreen Family Booksellers. How may I help you today?

FORD: I’m not sure. I’m surprised to see that the bookstore is still here. I’d have thought it would be demolished with the rest of the seminary.

BOOKSTORE WORKER: The benefit of being on the other side of the street, I guess. Of course, since we won’t have so many students coming by, anymore, we have to become a more conventional Christian bookstore.

ARTIE: I see you have the complete set of “Left Behind” books on your shelves.

BOOKSTORE WORKER: Well, as the number one selling series of Christian literature on the market, we’d be pretty foolish not to carry them. We’re also looking to carry the complete set of “Left Behind” videos, compact discs, computer software, children’s literature and study guides.

FORD: And where are all the textbooks?

BOOKSTORE WORKER: They’ve been moved to the clearance section. Pretty much no one buys the academic books these days. Most Christian book-buyers prefer to have all that intellectual stuff done for them, and so we’re just looking to carry “Left Behind” books and Thomas Kinkade posters. Our new motto is: “Don’t worry, you won’t have to think about a thing!”

ARTIE: How about your Evangelism section?

BOOKSTORE WORKER: That’s mostly filled with extra copies of the “Left Behind” books. But we have a few other items as well. As a matter of fact… (Ducks under register to get Bumper fish) Would you like a Bumper fish?

NARRATOR: The Bumper fish is probably the oddest thing in the Universe. It is a small plastic outline of a fish affixed with adhesive on one side, intended to be sold in Christian bookstores and placed on the bumper of the buyer’s automobile. The practical upshot of this is that if you stick a Bumper fish on your car you can instantly tell anyone that you are a Christian in any language.

This led to the creation of the Darwin fish, a similar outline of a fish with legs added, intended to make fun of the fundamentalist Christian rejection of the theory of evolution. The Darwin fish led, in turn, to the creation of the “Truth Fish”: a Bumper fish emblazoned with the word TRUTH in large capital letters, depicted as eating a Darwin fish. This led to the Reality Bites fish, (a Darwin fish eating a standard Bumper fish).

Other fish have been created following this pattern, in what has commonly been called the “Fish Wars,” giving us the Cat fish, the Tuna fish, the Yoda fish, the Science fish, the Alien fish, and the “Fish N Chips” fish, among many, many others.

Most leading theologians lament this misuse of one of the most ancient symbols of Christianity, but that hasn’t stopped Christian bookstores from making a fortune on Bumper fish magnets, Bumper fish shirts, and other Bumper fish merchandise.

Meanwhile, the standard Bumper Fish, having effectively removed all barriers to communication between Christians and non-Christians, has caused more and fiercer arguments than any other item in all of Christianity, not including, of course, the Bible itself.

ARTIE (holding fish, puts it back down on the counter): I think I’ll pass for now, thanks.

FORD: But maybe we can help you guys out.

BOOKSTORE WORKER: (suspicious) How?

FORD: My friend and I are writing a new book to help all the regular folks out there know more about Christianity. It will make Christianity look “with it” and “hip.” You’ll sell millions of copies!

BOOKSTORE WORKER: I don’t think anyone uses the terms “with it” and “hip” anymore.

FORD: Whatever. Look (pulls out a copy of the Guide, and hands it to the worker). Here’s a copy of the current draft. You look it over, and if you like it, we can have the final version ready for your shelves within a month!

BOOKSTORE WORKER: Well, I don’t know….

FORD: Wonderful! (shakes worker’s hand) Artie! We’re off to do more research! (Artie puts down the copy of “Left Behind” he’s been holding, gives worker a look that says “yeah, he’s weird, but it’s best just to humor him,” then leaves with Ford.)

NARRATOR: Will Artie and Ford be successful in getting the Hitchhiker’s Guide published? Will the Evergreen Family Booksellers become multimillionaires? Will Artie ever tell Ford that he’s three fries short of a Happy Meal? Join us for the next reasonably illuminating installment.

LIGHTS OUT: END PART TWO.

---

PART THREE

NARRATOR: Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Coast of United States lies a small, unregarded little church.

If one traveled from this church at a distance of roughly seven miles, one would find an utterly insignificant little green-colored seminary whose denizens are so amazingly primitive that they still think that double predestination is a pretty neat idea.

This seminary has, or rather had, a problem, which was this: most of the people that went there were unhappy pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because it was the utter absence of these small green pieces of paper which tended to cause the unhappiness in the first place.

And so the problem remained; lots of the people were mean, and most of them were miserable, even the ones who considered themselves predestined.

Eventually, God apparently raptured a significant portion of the seminary’s student population to heaven, effectively ending their concern over the small bits of paper forever. This left no viable opposition to the building of the new 410 bypass right through the center of the seminary property, causing the seminary to be shut down, and forcing those who remained to take their problems elsewhere.

Two of those who remained, students Artie Kent and Ford Prophet, have since embarked on a journey to write The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Christianity, which they hope to better enable the remaining unsaved population to come to know Jesus Christ, whereby they, too, would have their problems solved.

Artie and Ford now find themselves at the relocated offices of Evergreen Seminary's School of Psychology, where they find former students attempting to solve some problems of their own.

STUDENT 1: Now tell me, are you experiencing feelings of loss and betrayal?

STUDENT 2: (surprised) Why, yes!

STUDENT 1: Do you feel as though something has been taken away from you?

STUDENT 2: (even more amazed) Yes! That’s it exactly!

FORD (to Artie, but loud enough for others to hear): Well, of course she does. Her school is buried under a pile of rubble!

STUDENT 1: (a bit annoyed) Can we help you?

FORD: Yes, I think you can! You see, my friend and I are doing research for this book, you see, and….

STUDENT 1: (excited) Oh! Research! Oh, I’m sure we’d love to help!

FORD: … and we’re trying to work out how best to communicate Christianity to the average person.

STUDENT 1: What do you mean by “average?” We would need to have the term carefully quantified in order to ascertain reliable results.

FORD: (obviously not expecting this)…. Well, you know, “average,” just like… Artie, help me out here.

ARTIE: Well, you know, “normal.” Just like everybody else.

STUDENT 1: (laughs) Oh, I’m afraid I’ll still have to ask you to be more specific. Obviously, we’re not all a bunch of clones walking around.

ARTIE: Oh, I see your point…. Well, how about “not unusually different.”

STUDENT 1: Surely, you’ve been at Evergreen long enough to know that we value our differences.

(egg timer sound goes off.)

STUDENT 2: Oh! Time’s up! My turn! (Students 1 and 2 switch places)

STUDENT 2 (to Student 1): Now tell me about this dream you had about the walls crashing down all around you.

FORD: What a minute! Who’s treating who?

STUDENT 2: Oh, we’re treating each other. We’ve all had to deal with the loss of the seminary, and so we’re working through each other’s trauma over the experience.

STUDENT 1: We’re wounded healers.

NARRATOR: The Hitchhiker’s Guide says that a “wounded healer” is any person in any healing profession that has had to struggle with many of the very same problems that the person being healed has come to the professional for help in dealing with. The term is most often used for professionals in the mental heath disciplines, due to the high number of such professionals that appear to come from broken homes or have otherwise painful backgrounds. The Hitchhiker’s Guide hastens to add that this phenomenon is only in apparent disproportion to the rest of society due to the fact that mental health professionals are aware of their issues, while the large majority of humanity simply stumbles along in total ignorance of the monstrous problems that practically everybody, in fact, possesses.

(PROTESTER ONE comes onstage, dressed now in business attire, and walks up to the two Psych students. Artie and Ford are visibly stunned.)

PROTESTER ONE: Excuse me, I’m here for my 4:30 appointment.

ARTIE: But, but, you’re the protester I talked to before the Rapture!

PROTESTER ONE: Rapture? What are you talking about?

ARTIE: Are you, or are you not, the same student protester I spoke to before the construction crews demolished the seminary?

PROTESTER ONE: Yes….

ARTIE (turns to Ford): And did I, or did I not, find protest signs and a bunch of clothes in a pile on the ground, EMPTY, when you and I met?

FORD: Well, of course.

PROTESTER ONE: And you think that I was raptured? (laughs) Wow, you need to read your dispensational theology a bit more! No, I was simply hired by the developers to handle public relations!

ARTIE: Say what?

PROTESTER ONE: Well, they were impressed at how well we were doing, and asked us if we’d rather work for them instead of against them. Paid considerably better than a seminarian’s salary, let me tell you!

ARTIE: (flabbergasted) But why did you leave your signs, and ALL YOUR CLOTHES, right there, in the middle of the road?

PROTESTER ONE: Well, we wouldn’t been very good public relations consultants in t-shirts and slacks, would we? And if we were carrying around signs that accused the developers of working against the will of God, that would be rather counter-productive to good PR work, wouldn’t it?

FORD: (interrupting) So, you mean to tell me, that your values, your convictions, your dedication to the work of Evergreen Seminary, all meant nothing compared to a big paycheck? You simply abandoned everything to work for the big corporations?

PROTESTER ONE: Well, actually, I’m rather conflicted about it. That’s why I’m here. (turns to Psych student) I’d like to speak to someone about my deep-seated feelings of guilt.

STUDENT 1: Of course, if you would just join us this way…. (Both Psych students and protestor head off stage, leaving Artie and Ford alone.)

ARTIE: I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it. Does no one have any personal integrity anymore?

FORD: Well, look at it this way. Perhaps the Rapture hasn’t happened yet. But there’s still a need to tell people about God. And clearly the old methods haven’t worked. What do you say? Wanna join me in writing the most important book ever written?

ARTIE: After the Bible!

FORD: (starts walking off stage) Yes, yes, of course. The Bible will always be the most important book ever written. But have you ever looked at that thing? Someone’s still got to interpret it. I mean, all that stuff about prophecy, commands against cutting your hair, exhortations to stone children.... It’s no wonder we’ve got so many competing denominations out there! Now, what I think we need…. (fades as Ford and Artie head off stage)

NARRATOR: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Christianity was written by Mark Baker-Wright of Transforming Seminarian, and features whatever actors you wish to imagine in the roles, with the provision that the voice of the Narrator must be understood to be read with a British accent at all times. If you have failed to imagine such a voice in your reading of the script thus far, you are therefore required to go back to the beginning, and start again.

You may now return your seats to their full and upright position, and the remainder of your journey through life will proceed without interruption.


END

Remember, If Knowing is Half the Battle, the Other Half is Usually Violence

Most people who grew up in the 1980's (especially boys, I expect) probably know the phrase "knowing is half the battle," not as a saying in its own right, but as the tag line for the Public Service Announcements that would finish off the end of every episode of the old GI Joe cartoon.

For those unfamiliar with the cartoon, each episode would end with a short piece (usually unrelated to the main story itself), in which a kid (or group of kids) is about to do something unsafe or unwise. Just then, a member of the GI Joe team shows up out of nowhere to tell the kid(s) what he/she/they should do. Invariably, the piece would end with a kid saying "Now I (we) know," after which the Joe member would say "And knowing is half the battle" which would immediately cut to the "GI Joe" name being sung in a title wipe.

These PSAs are so iconic that they have been parodied many times over the years. Just check out what comes up when you do a YouTube search for "GI Joe PSA." Good luck finding one that's not a parody! But I was still surprised to find these two advertisements in a recent edition of Master Collector, advertising the new 25th anniversary figures. They're real advertisements, yet obviously parodies all at the same time. Check out the background pictures in the final frames!

Does what you see here interest you? Subscribe to this feed for regular updates!

Action Master Thundercracker: The Ultimate Weapon

Over on the club message boards, a topic about the upcoming Timelines Summer Special mentioned the garish coloring of Action Master Thundercracker. Look, and be horrified!

I asked if any fiction (official or fan-made) has ever been made using AM Thundercracker as a character, to which board member Victorysabre quipped, "I hear several people have tried, but during the attempt, all artists went blind for some reason." This immediately made me think of the classic Monty Python sketch about the funniest joke in the world.

It's parody time! And possibly the first piece of fiction anywhere to feature Action Master Thundercracker (although, given that the toy has existed for over 15 years, I fully acknowledge that this is unlikely).

---

Decepticon scientists, frustrated by persistent losses against their enemies, the Autobots, labored long and hard to come up with a new weapon that would turn the tide of their never-ending battle. At last, they believed that they had come up with the ultimate weapon. But they would need a volunteer.

There were risks, they admitted. If the experiment failed, the unfortunate test subject could end up a twisted heap of scrap, but the potential payoff would be undying glory in the annals of Decepticon history.

Frustrated at his recent forced conversion into a non-transforming "Action Master" by an infusion of Nucleon, and tired of being pushed around by his superior officer, Air Commander Starscream, Thundercracker volunteered for the experiment. Anything was better than this life! After a short briefing with the Decepticon scientists about the nature of the procedure, Thundercracker stepped into the modified CR chamber.

The idea was to coat Thundercracker's armor with a light-refracting substance that would result in him being invisible to all optic sensors. This substance was sprayed onto every part of Thundercracker's body. The scientists were concerned that the substance might interfere with the electrical circuitry running through all of Thundercracker's joints, causing him to suffer massive systems failure, and possibly extinguishing his spark.

If only they were so lucky.

Thundercracker emerged from the chamber alive and well, but not at all invisible. Upon seeing the garishly colored form, the scientists' optical circuits instantly shut down. Unable to see, the scientists ran into each other and, in their efforts to escape the laboratory, trampled over one hapless assistant, crushing him to the floor and causing severe injury. Thundercracker, unware of what was happening, walked out of the room, looking for someone who might explain what was going on. Several more Decepticons were blinded when they inadvertently saw Thundercracker approach. Slowly, Thundercracker began to understand that he might be the problem. He went back to the laboratories to seek help, but everyone he met found themselves stricken blind.

It wasn't long before the team of blinded scientists found some of the other Decepticons, and were able to explain what had happened. The possibilities for using Thundercracker's condition to fight against the Autobots were immediately apparent, but the Decepticons needed to be able to ensure the preservation of their own ability to see in order to take proper advantage of the situation.

This led to another team of scientists to devise a set of imaging goggles that the Decepticons could wear, in hopes that this would help them to approach Thundercracker safely. The first scientist to try out the goggles approached the room in which Thundercracker had agreed to remain (pending a resolution to his condition). Upon seeing Thundercracker, the scientist's optic circuits exploded, and the scientist screamed out in agony.

"The goggles! They do nothing!"

The next solution involved covering Thundercracker in a large fabric sheet, stolen from the humans of Earth. Two Decepticons would then escort Thundercracker to the battle site, and upon reaching the appropriate position, they would take the sheet off of Thundercracker and cover their eyes.

The results were instantaneous. Autobot warriors fell left and right. Unfortunately, the sheet blew away, and neither Thundercracker nor the available Decepticons were able to recover it. Although Thundercracker was instructed to return to the laboratory, seventy-four more Decepticons were blinded during the journey, negating any benefits gained by the losses on the Autobot side. More Transformers might have been able to escape this destruction in an earlier age, but since so many Transformers had become Action Masters, few could transform into alternate modes that would have facilitated escape.

Various other experiments were tried, but none were successful. Both the Autobots and the Decepticons found themselves stricken whenever Thundercracker would approach. Ultimately, Thundercracker grew tired of being a de facto prisoner of his own people, and left the Decepticons to strike out on his own. This only made matters worse, as every being that Thundercracker came into contact with was blinded upon seeing even the slightest reflection of his color scheme. Attempts were made to destroy Thundercracker, but any soldier who saw the renegade Action Master lost his sight before he could fire his weapons, and any computerized weapons system that attempted to lock onto Thundercracker's form shut down while attempting to calculate the Pantone color codes that Thundercracker's paint scheme used. Slowly, the Transformers began to die out.

Several thousand years later, an alien race came upon a record left by a Transformers historian, one of the last of the race. No one could tell if the historian was Autobot or Decepticon. By that time it didn't matter. Thundercracker had annihilated friend and foe alike, before finally succumbing to systems failure himself, a process accelerated by the lack of any surviving medical technicians that might previously have been able to provide maintenance. The record stated a simple opinion, the truth of which would go on to be debated for years:

"In the end, it was the introduction of the Action Masters that proved to be the death of the Transformers."

Christmas Wishes

Well, it's time for my annual Christmas break. This will be my last entry until the New Year. I hope you enjoy this Christmas parody (and, if you're so inclined, you can re-live last year's, too!). I'll be back on January 3rd. In the meantime, you might want to check out the "Stocking Stuffer" offer over at tfsource.com: a WST G2 Blue "Santa" Grimlock! I'm getting mine!

(To the tune of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas")

Have yourself a Megatron-y Christmas
May your toys be Prime.
Next year, may your shopping all be done on time.

Have yourself a Megatron-y Christmas
Be he gun or tank
Either way, I hope it doesn't break the bank.

As you shop for the latest toys
All the greatest toys, in-store
Just remember to leave a few,
one or two will do, not more

Someday, all your favorite toys will gather
If the shelves allow
Until then, you'll have to muddle through somehow.

But have yourself a Megatron-y Christmas now.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Christianity: Part III

The last part of The Hitchhiker's Guide to Christianity. I welcome any comments.

---

NARRATOR: Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Coast of United States lies a small, unregarded little church.

If one traveled from this church at a distance of roughly seven miles, one would find an utterly insignificant little green-colored seminary whose denizens are so amazingly primitive that they still think that double predestination is a pretty neat idea.

This seminary has, or rather had, a problem, which was this: most of the people that went there were unhappy pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because it was the utter absence of these small green pieces of paper which tended to cause the unhappiness in the first place.

And so the problem remained; lots of the people were mean, and most of them were miserable, even the ones who considered themselves predestined.

Eventually, God apparently raptured a significant portion of the seminary’s student population to heaven, effectively ending their concern over the small bits of paper forever. This left no viable opposition to the building of the new 410 bypass right through the center of the seminary property, causing the seminary to be shut down, and forcing those who remained to take their problems elsewhere.

Two of those who remained, students Artie Kent and Ford Prophet, have since embarked on a journey to write The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Christianity, which they hope to better enable the remaining unsaved population to come to know Jesus Christ, whereby they, too, would have their problems solved.

Arthur and Ford now find themselves at the relocated offices of Evergreen Seminary's School of Psychology, where they find former students attempting to solve some problems of their own.

STUDENT 1: Now tell me, are you experiencing feelings of loss and betrayal?

STUDENT 2: (surprised) Why, yes!

STUDENT 1: Do you feel as though something has been taken away from you?

STUDENT 2: (even more amazed) Yes! That’s it exactly!

FORD (to Artie, but loud enough for others to hear): Well, of course she does. Her school is buried under a pile of rubble!

STUDENT 1: (a bit annoyed) Can we help you?

FORD: Yes, I think you can! You see, my friend and I are doing research for this book, you see, and….

STUDENT 1: (excited) Oh! Research! Oh, I’m sure we’d love to help!

FORD: … and we’re trying to work out how best to communicate Christianity to the average person.

STUDENT 1: What do you mean by “average?” We would need to have the term carefully quantified in order to ascertain reliable results.

FORD: (obviously not expecting this)…. Well, you know, “average,” just like… Artie, help me out here.

ARTIE: Well, you know, “normal.” Just like everybody else.

STUDENT 1: (laughs) Oh, I’m afraid I’ll still have to ask you to be more specific. Obviously, we’re not all a bunch of clones walking around.

ARTIE: Oh, I see your point…. Well, how about “not unusually different.”

STUDENT 1: Surely, you’ve been at Evergreen long enough to know that we value our differences.

(egg timer sound goes off.)

STUDENT 2: Oh! Time’s up! My turn! (Students 1 and 2 switch places)

STUDENT 2 (to Student 1): Now tell me about this dream you had about the walls crashing down all around you.

FORD: What a minute! Who’s treating who?

STUDENT 2: Oh, we’re treating each other. We’ve all had to deal with the loss of the seminary, and so we’re working through each other’s trauma over the experience.

STUDENT 1: We’re wounded healers.

NARRATOR: The Hitchhiker’s Guide says that a “wounded healer” is any person in any healing profession that has had to struggle with many of the very same problems that the person being healed has come to the professional for help in dealing with. The term is most often used for professionals in the mental heath disciplines, due to the high number of such professionals that appear to come from broken homes or have otherwise painful backgrounds. The Hitchhiker’s Guide hastens to add that this phenomenon is only in apparent disproportion to the rest of society due to the fact that mental health professionals are aware of their issues, while the large majority of humanity simply stumbles along in total ignorance of the monstrous problems that practically everybody, in fact, possesses.

(PROTESTER ONE comes onstage, dressed now in business attire, and walks up to the two Psych students. Artie and Ford are visibly stunned.)

PROTESTER ONE: Excuse me, I’m here for my 4:30 appointment.

ARTIE: But, but, you’re the protester I talked to before the Rapture!

PROTESTER ONE: Rapture? What are you talking about?

ARTIE: Are you, or are you not, the same student protester I spoke to before the construction crews demolished the seminary?

PROTESTER ONE: Yes….

ARTIE (turns to Ford): And did I, or did I not, find protest signs and a bunch of clothes in a pile on the ground, EMPTY, when you and I met?

FORD: Well, of course.

PROTESTER ONE: And you think that I was raptured? (laughts) Wow, you need to read your dispensational theology a bit more! No, I was simply hired by the developers to handle public relations!

ARTIE: Say what?

PROTESTER ONE: Well, they were impressed at how well we were doing, and asked us if we’d rather work for them instead of against them. Paid considerably better than a seminarian’s salary, let me tell you!

ARTIE: (flabbergasted) But why did you leave your signs, and ALL YOUR CLOTHES, right there, in the middle of the road?

PROTESTER ONE: Well, we wouldn’t been very good public relations consultants in t-shirts and slacks, would we? And if we were carrying around signs that accused the developers of working against the will of God, that would be rather counter-productive to good PR work, wouldn’t it?

FORD: (interrupting) So, you mean to tell me, that your values, your convictions, your dedication to the work of Evergreen Seminary, all meant nothing compared to a big paycheck? You simply abandoned everything to work for the big corporations?

PROTESTER ONE: Well, actually, I’m rather conflicted about it. That’s why I’m here. (turns to Psych student) I’d like to speak to someone about my deep-seated feelings of guilt.

STUDENT 1: Of course, if you would just join us this way…. (Both Psych students and protestor head off stage, leaving Artie and Ford alone.)

ARTIE: I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it. Does no one have any personal integrity anymore?

FORD: Well, look at it this way. Perhaps the Rapture hasn’t happened yet. But there’s still a need to tell people about God. And clearly the old methods haven’t worked. What do you say? Wanna join me in writing the most important book ever written?

ARTIE: After the Bible!

FORD: (starts walking off stage) Yes, yes, of course. The Bible will always be the most important book ever written. But have you ever looked at that thing? Someone’s still got to interpret it. I mean, all that stuff about prophecy, commands against cutting your hair, exhortations to stone children.... It’s no wonder we’ve got so many competing denominations out there! Now, what I think we need…. (fades as Ford and Artie head off stage)

NARRATOR: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Christianity was written by B-W of Transforming Seminarian, and features whatever actors you wish to imagine in the roles, with the provision that the voice of the Narrator must be understood to be read with a British accent at all times. If you have failed to imagine such a voice in your reading of the script thus far, you are therefore required to go back to the beginning, and start again.

You may now return your seats to their full and upright position, and the remainder of your journey through life will proceed without interruption.


END

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Christianity: Part II

A word is in order about this part: During the "Guide entries" (the "NARRATOR" part), I had intended to create PowerPoint visuals to accompany the entries. For most of these, the visuals would have been incidental, and not particularly worth detailing in the script. However, during one of the entries in this installment, it seemed more important. So I have accompanied the appropriate entry with a couple of pictures that you can see alongside the narration at the appropriate part, and hyperlinks for some of the extras as they come up. I hope that the visuals add to the humor of that section.

And now, Part II of The Hitchhiker's Guide to Christianity, by B-W of Transforming Seminarian.

---

NARRATOR: The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very happy and been widely regarded as a good move.

Many cultures believe that it was created by some sort of god, although the Christian concept of a single supreme being is by no means shared by all of them.

As multitudinous as the explanations for the Universe’s creation are the theories of how the Universe will end. Even among Christians, there is widespread disagreement on this. Many Christians, for example, believe in a concept known as “the Rapture,” whereby the faithful are taken away from Earth to join God in heaven before the final end comes to the poor saps left behind on the planet below. While some Christians scoff at this interpretation of the end, this is exactly what seems to have occurred to a group of student protestors with whom Artie Kent had a conversation only a few hours ago. Despite that fact that they are Christians themselves, Artie and his friend Ford Prophet have reasoned that God must have left some believers behind to tell the remaining non-Christian population that the end is coming soon, and so have started writing The Hitchhikers’ Guide to Christianity, with which they hope to reach the masses.

Having recently escaped the destruction of Evergreen Theological Seminary to make way for the new 410 bypass, Artie and Ford come upon the former seminary bookstore, which is beginning to make changes in light of recent events.

(Artie and Ford enter from stage right. They arrive to meet a worker standing behind a cash register on stage left.)

BOOKSTORE WORKER: Welcome to Evergreen Family Booksellers. How may I help you today?

FORD: I’m not sure. I’m surprised to see that the bookstore is still here. I’d have thought it would be demolished with the rest of the seminary.

BOOKSTORE WORKER: The benefit of being on the other side of the street, I guess. Of course, since we won’t have so many students coming by, anymore, we have to become a more conventional Christian bookstore.

ARTIE: I see you have the complete set of “Left Behind” books on your shelves.

BOOKSTORE WORKER: Well, as the number one selling series of Christian literature on the market, we’d be pretty foolish not to carry them. We’re also looking to carry the complete set of “Left Behind” videos, compact discs, computer software, children’s literature and study guides.

FORD: And where are all the textbooks?

BOOKSTORE WORKER: They’ve been moved to the clearance section. Pretty much no one buys the academic books these days. Most Christian book-buyers prefer to have all that intellectual stuff done for them, and so we’re just looking to carry “Left Behind” books and Thomas Kinkade posters. Our new motto is: “Don’t worry, you won’t have to think about a thing!”

ARTIE: How about your Evangelism section?

BOOKSTORE WORKER: That’s mostly filled with extra copies of the “Left Behind” books. But we have a few other items as well. As a matter of fact… (Ducks under register to get Bumper fish) Would you like a Bumper fish?

NARRATOR: The Bumper fish is probably the oddest thing in the Universe. It is a small plastic outline of a fish affixed with adhesive on one side, intended to be sold in Christian bookstores and placed on the bumper of the buyer’s automobile. The practical upshot of this is that if you stick a Bumper fish on your car you can instantly tell anyone that you are a Christian in any language.

This led to the creation of the Darwin fish, a similar outline of a fish with legs added, intended to make fun of the fundamentalist Christian rejection of the theory of evolution. The Darwin fish led, in turn, to the creation of the “Truth Fish”: a Bumper fish emblazoned with the word TRUTH in large capital letters, depicted as eating a Darwin fish. This led to the Reality Bites fish, (a Darwin fish eating a standard Bumper fish).

Other fish have been created following this pattern, in what has commonly been called the “Fish Wars,” giving us the Cat fish, the Tuna fish, the Yoda fish, the Science fish, the Alien fish, and the “Fish N Chips” fish, among many, many others.

Most leading theologians lament this misuse of one of the most ancient symbols of Christianity, but that hasn’t stopped Christian bookstores from making a fortune on Bumper fish magnets, Bumper fish shirts, and other Bumper fish merchandise.

Meanwhile, the standard Bumper Fish, having effectively removed all barriers to communication between Christians and non-Christians, has caused more and fiercer arguments than any other item in all of Christianity, not including, of course, the Bible itself.

ARTIE (holding fish, puts it back down on the counter): I think I’ll pass for now, thanks.

FORD: But maybe we can help you guys out.

BOOKSTORE WORKER: (suspicious) How?

FORD: My friend and I are writing a new book to help all the regular folks out there know more about Christianity. It will make Christianity look “with it” and “hip.” You’ll sell millions of copies!

BOOKSTORE WORKER: I don’t think anyone uses the terms “with it” and “hip” anymore.

FORD: Whatever. Look (pulls out a copy of the Guide, and hands it to the worker). Here’s a copy of the current draft. You look it over, and if you like it, we can have the final version ready for your shelves within a month!

BOOKSTORE WORKER: Well, I don’t know….

FORD: Wonderful! (shakes worker’s hand) Artie! We’re off to do more research! (Artie puts down the copy of “Left Behind” he’s been holding, gives worker a look that says “yeah, he’s weird, but it’s best just to humor him” look, then leaves with Ford.)

NARRATOR: Will Artie and Ford be successful in getting the Hitchhiker’s Guide published? Will the Evergreen Family Booksellers become multimillionaires? Will Artie ever tell Ford that he’s three fries short of a Happy Meal? Join us for the next reasonably illuminating installment.

LIGHTS OUT: END PART TWO.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Christianity: Part I

I wrote this 3-part script a few months ago, and have shared it with a few friends in hopes that it might be performed at our seminary's annual variety show. Unfortunately, I have recently learned that the variety show is being cancelled this year, because they couldn't find enough people willing to perform or submit sketches. For this reason, I have decided to make the play available here. It was always meant to be broken into 3 separate segments, and so only the first part is being posted today. Other parts will be posted in days to follow.

This is a good time to reiterate this site's "Creative Commons" license. This means that I retain the rights to my work, but that I allow people to freely use any of my material provided the following conditions are met:

1. That I be given credit for the work (by saying something along the lines of "written by B-W of Transforming Seminarian")
2. That the work may not be used for commercial purposes.
3. That if you decide to use, alter, or build upon this work, the resulting work be made available to others under terms identical to these.

That said, without further ado, here's part 1 of The Hitchhiker's Guide to Christianity (with apologies to Douglas Adams).

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NARRATOR (always voice only): This is the story of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Christianity, a wholly remarkable book. Probably the most remarkable book ever to come out of the great publishing corporations of Augustine/Calvin. It is more popular than The Complete Exegetical Omnibus, better selling than Fifty-Three More Ways to Convert a Non-Believer, and more controversial than Winston Stapleton’s trilogy of theological-political blockbusters, Where Bush Went Wrong, Some More of Bush’s Greatest Mistakes, and Who Is This Bush Person Anyway?

In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Western Coast of the United States, the Hitchhiker’s Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Biblaica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal (though, ironically, nothing about the Apocrypha itself), it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

First, it is slightly cheaper; and second, it has the words SINNERS WELCOME inscribed in large friendly letters on the cover.

To tell the story of the book, it's best to tell the story of some of the minds behind it. Artie Kent, a student from Evergreen Theological Seminary, is one of them. Though, as our story opens, he no more knows his destiny than a Southern Baptist knows the history of the XXX Multiplex in West LA.

(scene: ARTIE KENT walks in from stage right. A group of students comes in from the opposite side. At least one is holding a sign saying “The End of the World is Nigh!” Others should have signs protesting a construction project. Artie sees the group and approaches.)

ARTIE KENT: Excuse me, what’s going on here?

PROTESTER ONE: We’re protesting the construction of the new 410 bypass. Since they couldn’t build it through the wealthy town south of here, they’ve decided to take it straight through the seminary.

ARTIE KENT: But why?

PROTESTER TWO: Well, it’s a bypass. Apparently you’ve got to build bypasses.

ARTIE KENT: Well, I’m afraid I can’t stay and help, I’m late for class. Good luck! (Artie runs out stage left. Protesters shout and wave their signs while walking off stage right)

NARRATOR: The Webster Illustrated Contemporary Dictionary defines “luck” as “that which happens by chance; fortune or lot.” It says that to “try one’s luck” is to “try to do something without certainty of success.” The Hitchhiker’s Guide also mentions luck. It notes that many Christians define luck as “the notion that the world is random and left to chance at best, and an evil force at worst. Either way being antithetical to the notion of God’s all-controlling providence and blessing.” This requires them to come up with new terms for otherwise everyday phrases. “Good luck” becomes “God bless,” a “Pot luck” dinner becomes a “pot bless” dinner, and so on. The Hitchhiker’s Guide further notes that other Christians see this an unnecessary infringement upon contemporary language, suggesting that “everybody knows we don’t really mean that the world is left to chance” and further arguing that the first group of Christians shouldn’t be such nosy busybodies. This, naturally, gets the first group of Christians upset at the second set, leading to many heated arguments and fights over how best to use language in a way that consistently describes God’s loving kindness, the end result of which is that nearly all Christians involved more fervently desire that God would simply take them away to heaven all the sooner, so they might leave this crazy, messed-up, chaotic world behind.

(Artie returns from stage left. He stumbles upon a pile of clothes and picket signs in the middle of the stage.)

ARTIE KENT: What in the world? Don’t tell me that LaHaye and Jenkins were right after all!

FORD: (Walks in from off stage. Dressed somewhat eccentrically.) They weren’t.

ARTIE KENT: Really? Then how do you explain the piles of clothes laying here? Clothes I know that my friends were wearing just a couple of hours ago! And who are you anyway?

FORD: Oh! Excuse me. I’m Ford Prophet. Well, I’d say LaHaye and Jenkins weren’t entirely right, at any rate. Yes, some Christians have indeed been raptured. But didn’t you think it odd that your class continued right through it all, and that your professor kept on lecturing as though nothing had happened?

ARTIE KENT: Now that you mention it, that does seem a bit odd….

FORD: Now work with me, here. According to the book, the people that got left behind got a second chance to know Jesus, right?

ARTIE KENT: But of course. Buck Williams’ conversion scene from the movie has been played in our evangelism seminars for years!

FORD: But how did you come to know about Christ?

ARTIE KENT: Oh, that’s easy. My second grade Sunday School teacher!

FORD: Exactly! Someone told you about him! Now, do you really think that giving people a second chance would do the least bit of good if all the Christians were already gone? Who would tell them about Jesus?

ARTIE KENT: Hmmm…. You have a point. But shouldn’t there be plenty of nominal Christians left behind? They would realize that they were wrong after seeing what happened.

FORD: Yes, yes, well, I think you credit humanity with a bit too much intelligence. Anyway, I figure that’s why some of us are still here. We’re here to set folks straight. And that’s why I’m here. I’m here to ask you help me write the most important book ever to be written.

ARTIE KENT: (a bit put off) The Bible’s already been written! It’s totally sufficient for our salvation….

FORD: yes,yes,yes. Well, the second-most important, then. Here (hands Artie a copy). Just read the first paragraph.

ARTIE KENT: (takes book a bit warily) Ooookay. Whatever you say. (Looks at book, while voice-over gives next passage.)

NARRATOR: God is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly hugely mind-bogglingly big God is. I mean, you may have trouble wrapping your mind around the concept of transubstantiation, but that's just peanuts to God.

ARTIE KENT: Interesting.

FORD: So, will you join me?

ARTIE KENT: Well, I don’t know…. (loud noise offstage. The noise of a bulldozer engine.)

FORD: Well, it looks like you’d better make up your mind now. With all the protestors raptured, there’s nothing stopping that bulldozer from tearing down the seminary! (noise gets louder. Sound of buildings being torn down. Lights flicker and debris thrown on from offstage left. Artie and Ford run off stage right.)

NARRATOR: Have our heroes really been “left behind”? Will they escape the destruction of the seminary? Will they be able to find meaningful employment? What does all this mean for the rest of the seminary population? Does anything have any meaning anyway? At least some of these questions might be answered in our next installment.

LIGHTS OUT: END PART ONE